I am sitting here in the office this morning and the whole house is quiet. The a/c is not running, nobody is talking or moving around and the sound of my fingers on the keyboard seems abnormally loud amidst the silence.
It is the first day of school today, the first day of days carefully planned out and following a set routine. The first day "back to normal". I like school, I have always liked school and now, as a mom, I am liking it on behalf of my kids. Despite being a big fan of school, the first day of the year still makes me nervous. New classroom, new teachers, new supplies, new friends and of course new knowledge and new experiences. All the newness is exciting and full of opportunities, like a new box of crayons! All bright and cheerful and ready to be transformed into something new.
My daughter is starting first grade this year. The first year with grades. The first year with actual, numerical, on the top of the page, how-did-she-do, grades.
I am terrified!
I am not terrified about how she will do. She is a smart kid and I am sure she will do great. I am terrified how I will do. I am terrified about how I will handle receiving that first piece of paper with a number at the top. A number that I, when I was a kid, always wanted to be 100.
Here is where my daughter and I differ.
Both of us catch on to things relatively quickly and we like to learn. However, she speeds through things and completes them in a hasty manner just to be done and if she does not agree with the way she is instructed to do something she will ignore that and do it her way. She also has a "that's good enough" attitude a lot of the time.
I, on the other hand, I like to be thorough and take my time. I like things to be orderly and 'perfect' when I turn them in. I would rewrite notes or assignments if they looked sloppy or inconsistent. I tend to follow the rules to a T and if I am in doubt about what I am asked to do then I will worry if I followed the rules exactly.
Deep breaths.
I am terrified about how I will handle someone else doing the learning, someone else doing the work and someone else earning the grades...whatever they might be. Despite this fear, I am determined to let her do her own learning and completion of work and earning of grades. This is her time, her time to learn and grow and experience. I have been there and done that already. My daughter is not me, she will never be me. She is her. She is the first grader.
I just hope I remember this as I pull out that first piece of paper with a number at the top. I hope I handle myself, my reaction and the situation well, if the grade happens to not be quite as good on an assignment. Will I be able to take a step back and recognize the effort she made and the work she completed rather than only noticing what she did wrong or where she missed the points?
I hope so......
